CHAPTER 3. Introducing: Half Queen Half King Emily, aka Sir Emily Kali

Half warrior king half yoga queen, Sir Emily-Kali is faster than the speed of light and eerily bendable. This unique creature emerged from a bubbling hot spring in the remote lands of Ire, where later a canon shot her out to the Rocky Mountains. She has the powers and strengths of a samurai, with the ability to grow blinding amounts of body hair at frightening speed and to defecate giant, glorious kakas, or phantom poops, to her fellow companions' awe. Surprisingly enough, she also emanates feminine delicacy, in between farts and shits, as she strikes the scorpion pose now and then, using her majestic giraffe tail as her only support, curled beautifully beneath her lovely bum. Hailing from the distant land of Ire, this king-queen is pearl white and represents the element of water; flexible and cool, metaphorically and literally. She is the breath of fresh air, the gust of new ideas, and the constant flow of energy which electrifies Queen Laura's voice, soothes Queen Asumi's clean womb, and interrupts Queen Sarah's prayer.

In the early mornings, she rises first of the four and restlessly hangs above her three queens from the fabled Nutella tree with her large giraffe tail, ready to pounce on any given opportunity to befriend strangers, especially little boys. She then wakes her fellow royals with the sacred gong and then, from the branches, she provides hard boiled eggs to her queens—her culinary specialty.

Sir Emily-Kali swings from side to side, nibbling on unknown fruits and interrogating her three Queens about the nature of existence and unrequited love, and continuously invents challenges for her companions to strengthen their royal bonds and personal weaknesses. Like Goddess Kali, she fears no one and nothing, and she terrorizes baby orphans. With her tail rising up behind her and her slimy tongue lengthening down her chin, she bulges her eyes and instills horror and energy in all.

Although her terrorizing skills are quite sharp, Sir Emily-Kali's love and dedication to her royal sisters is her most remarkable trait. Sincere in her judgment and wise in her advice, she is the clear voice of objection and rational.

The Three queens are deeply indebted to Sir Emily-Kali, not only for the giant, glorious kakas and hard boiled eggs, but also as the only breadwinner of the royal family. With her brilliant business plans and conspicuous trading schemes with distant kingdoms, she provides for her fellow queens all the nutrition, wealth and frivolities their bratty heart’s desire--except for nutella which she finds to be a completely idiotic investment.

We thank the Almighty for blessing us with such a peculiar and delightful treasure, and pray to safe guard her from evil as she embarks on a new journey back to the land of Ire, in search of her origins—and to try to figure out how she ended up with her golden giraffe tail.