Chapter 5: The Great Giggle Fiasco

One day many months after meeting each other at the fabled Nutella Tree, and many subsequent adventures therein (described in later chapters), the Three and a Half Queens were taking much-needed respite at the mountain chalet of Queen Asumi. On a particularly beautiful day, Asumi asked her three feisty friends to join herself and the lost children at the beach. Queen Laura and Fairy Sarah gladly acquiesced; they had been lounging around making funny noises for some time and were ready for the next entertainment. Asumi secretly worried that if Sarah and Laura were not given something to do they may create another minor havoc for which they were becoming well-known at the mountain chalet, so she made the pragmatic decision and lunch to match. Asumi also invited Warrior Emily, but she was busy teaching Captain Morgan's legion of scuba divers the intricacies of dry-land fitness. They were preparing for a deep dive in pursuit of the Crashed Vessel, The Bridgette, which sank when it's angry female commandeer (Captain Rachel) attempted to sail it to Africa by way of Japan and ended up slamming into Fiji. Warrior Emily doubted Captain Morgan Pepper's teams' real ability to conduct such a physically exacting dive and endeavored to get them into adequate shape.

Asumi, Laura, and Sarah commenced to a wonderful beach day. They swam in the water, picked up sea-shells, ate paratha sweetened with honey and drank chai tea (Laura's specialty: spicy and sweet, just like her). As they afternoon died down, a curious flock of duckgulls wandered near (cute like ducklings but searfaring like seagulls; created by mermaids to warn of pending storms above the ocean). Sarah thought the duckgulls were hilarious animals and quickly began to imitate their curious waddle and peculiar quacking. Of course, Sarah was able to speak duckgull, so to the delight of Laura and the lost children she arranged the duckgulls to perform small acrobatic acts. The duckgulls gladly entertained the crowds for over an hour, until finally all participants grew wary. Asumi decided to take the group back to the mountain chalet to rest, as it was Saturday and thus a Dance Party night. But Laura and Sarah were still giggling madly and attempting to woo the duckgulls back into flipping.

In fact, Sarah and Laura had begun to, for all-intensive purposes, terrorize the poor duckgulls. They weren't hassling the animals out of maliciousness; the Queens simply couldn't stop giggling as they imitated and joked about the poor, confused animals. As the duckgulls tried to waddle away, Sarah and Laura waddle/chased them, until the little group had wandered all the way down the ocean and were scattered amongst the rocky shore. Sarah and Laura continued to shout and giggle. The duckgulls were scared flight-less, but Sarah and Laura giggled with glee.

Asumi noted the pending darkness and gave up trying to call the Queens from their pursuit. She took the lost children to the mountain chalet and began to prepare dinner. Still, Sarah and Laura did not return. Eventually, Captain Morgan Pepper, Warrior Emily, and the tired scuba crew returned. As soon she arrived, Emily asked where Laura and Sarah were (she wanted to tell them all about her day kicking the fitness out of Captain's crew). When Asumi explained in a worrisome way that Sarah and Laura had yet to return from the duckgull adventure, Emily knew immediately that unless they were forcibly removed, the Queens could end up all the way back to the Nutella tree- or worse!She grabbed her Seeking Sword and ran toward the beach.

In fact, the Queens were stranded on a rock way out in the bay. The duckgulls realized that Sarah and Laura lacked Asumi's aquatic skills and swam to safety. Sarah and Laura attempted to follow and were now sitting on a rock, shaking and praying to Hare Julie for deliverance.

Unfortunately, Warrior Emily also did not posses Asumi's watery ways, but as usual she supplemented her lack of skill with sheer willpower. Eventually, she swam to the rock and began berating Laura and Sarah for their foolishness. Laura quickly put an end to Emily's insults and commanded Emily to deliver them. This tactic worked, and Emily's warrior synapses fired into action. She took the shield from her back and instructed the Queens to sit in it. Then she took off her shirt, exposing her Warrior breasts without any consideration of modesty. Despite their fatigue, this caused another giggle-fest from Laura and Sarah, which Emily "poo-poo'd" and ignored (much to Emily's chagrin and Laura's delight, Sarah even pretended to reach for a poke- Emily swatted her away with a growl). Emily used her shirt and belt as a sail and pushed the girls off the rock. Then, she conjured all the remaining energy within her legs, tight bum, and spinning giraffe tail to push the wet Queens to shore.

By the time they arrived back to the chalet, Warrior Emily was in her most fearful state: Hangry (hungry and angry). She dumped the Queens on Asumi's front porch and headed directly to the kitchen, barely stopping to grab a blanket to cover her upper-half. Sarah and Laura were also hungry but they realized it was a dancing night and thus prioritized their activities. Rather than sit down to a late feast, they grabbed random desserts leftover on the dining hall table and ran to their rooms to change into their festive gowns. In less than an hour all two-and-a-half Queens arrived to the party, where Asumi greeted them with a big sigh and her characteristic warm embrace. They told her the entire story- Emily leading with a concise and fervent detail as Laura and Sarah interjected hilarious and innapropriate comments. Emily was so irritated by the end of the story that she stalked away to lay in front of the fire with some tired Lost Children. However, Asumi compassionately poured Emily a glass of her favorite alcoholic elixir and incited Sarah and Laura to shimmy their way across the hall. Despite her efforts, Warrior Emily could not help but chuckle at the ridiculous, pseudo-sexy show winding it's way toward her. By the time they arrived, all three-and-a-half Queens collapsed into a warm, cuddly, slightly intoxicated gaggle of giggles, shrouded by the warmth of the fire.

As you know, the Three and A Half Queens love each other very much.

CHAPTER 4. Introducing: Queen Sarah, the Magical Fairy of Languages and Gifts

Queen Sarah

One warm evening near the end of sunset, a white owl sat burrowed in the thick of a Sycamore tree gazing towards the elongating shadows forming behind the Egyptian pyramids. A slow, effervescent breeze gently stirred the leaves of the Sycamore and the feathers around the owl’s thick neck and up through it’s nostrils. In, went the breath of this unfamiliar presence, and out came a stream of golden dust. It sneezed so hard that some of the Sycamore’s trees loosened and wafted towards the ground. “Bless you, owl” said the tree, “Sahha, bless you, gesundheit, hari om, salute!” said Sarah, who, still forming from Sycamore leaves and golden dust, ended up sounding like she said “isduhfisudhfiuh.” She scared the owl so bad he flew into a different tree. The Sycamore instantly decided he was no longer a speaking tree.

What they didn’t know is that Sarah has been alive since before their time and was reigning as a Queen in her small kingdom of Maltan, near southern Bahbah. She knows both of their ancestors, some of whom serve within her kingdom as royal mail deliverer and noble shade-giver. She had specifically chosen them, the sons of their forefathers, for this special task of initiating her time travel. It’s a simpler time in her kingdom, for everyone remains content with their simple lives. 

“What” you might ask, “would cause Queen Sarah to feel the urge time travel?” I’ll tell you. You see, everyone in her kingdom feels content with their lives except for her. She finds herself to be generally happy. Her marriage to the King is stronger than ever and she finds comfort by the sweet song of her favorite royal birds, the red robins. Her intellect remains stimulated by her exciting conversations with Greegoo (her royal mail deliverer) but yet there is a deeper craving. Her mother had given her a book called “At the End of the Marvelous Stream” which is about a mystical, sweet tasting, thick chocolate syrup that flows from a beautiful tree called Nutella. It is there, her mother once said, that she would experience a new world formed only when the spirits of four women from different times and different solar systems became physically existent. The book gave her all the secrets on how to get there and that is how she formed from golden dust and Sycamore leaves through the nostrils of her friend Greegoo’s great, great, great, great, grandson, Dreedoo. 

Now by the time Dreedoo looked back at this muttering pile dust he was in the other tree. He nearly fell out when he saw a beautiful woman with long golden hair looking straight at him and giggling. She was giggling so hard that the Sycamore couldn’t help but smirk. Though, with that smirk his leaves rustled and he revealed himself as a conscious being. When Sarah noticed, through her giggles she managed to say “ne vous inquiétez pas, je suis inoffensif et je vous aime.” (which means “do not worry, I am harmless and I like you.” in French.) The Sycamore stared at her and thought, “right as I thought she was alright she goes on mumbling crazy gibberish.” But, Sarah is perceptive and could see that it puzzled him and so she decided to continue to speak in the language of this story.

“Tee hee, ha ha, hee hee hee!” and on she giggled until she collected herself and said “ok ok ok ok ok cuties, so I need to find like, this tree, ya know? The Nutella tree from the book my mom gave me. You know? From At the End of the Marvelous Stream??? Ha ha ha ha! Mmkay?” 

The Sycamore didn’t know how to react to her foreign accent.  At this point the owl, wise and understanding, regained his confidence and decided to help his old Sycamore friend and try and converse with this strange, giggling, golden human.  He somehow felt strangely familiar with her accent and decided it was okay to trust her. Owls have a good sense of trust. Also, he knew about this tree she was very erratically describing. His wife owl Sabna and her friends flew by it just the other day. 

Flashback to their conversation a few days earlier “It was so goooolden, so shiny, I thought to myself ‘I really should take some of those leaves and liven up our borough home.’ It’s just so duuuull Dreebabe, so duuuull. Gosh whatever is that crazy brown goo though, such a draaag it makes the tree look muddy!” Dreedoo sips coffee and shuffles newsletter. Flashback to present.

“Strange, giggling, golden human. I know this tree you talk about. My wife Sabna has been there recently and told me how to get there." So he guided her as she walked towards to stream, flying from tree to tree, making sure she wasn’t looking at his butt. He was self-conscious about his butt. It was “so cute and poofypoofy” as his wife had awkwardly put it. On and on they went for about an hour and with these last words he confidently sent her off to walk the stream alone. “The stream runs about a hundred paces further. At the end you will see bridge leading to the island where the tree grows. I hope you find what you’re looking for. I have to go, my wife is making fig pie for dinner.” 

“Hee hee ok have a good dinner! Thanks for your help!” said Sarah as she walked along. (How nice and simple this was for Sarah, for you see she finds luck wherever she goes.) She could already smell the aroma of Nutella. It was exactly as the book described. Rich… bold… salivating… “I wonder why the owl didn’t seem interested in Nutella.” You see, even though the owls are wise, they don’t understand the concept of Nutella. With every step the scent grew stronger and suddenly now in close distance to the tall, golden tree appeared three shadowy figures. Three beautiful women named Queen Asumi, Queen Laura, and King-Queen Emily stepped out of the shadows. 

Soft golden light from the flowers of the tree shined on their faces enlightening their unique and strange features. Queen Asumi then brought Sarah a ruby laced goblet filled with the dense sweet liquid and said “We’ve been waiting for your Sarrraaah!” and with that their adventures began. - 

CHAPTER 3. Introducing: Half Queen Half King Emily, aka Sir Emily Kali

Half warrior king half yoga queen, Sir Emily-Kali is faster than the speed of light and eerily bendable. This unique creature emerged from a bubbling hot spring in the remote lands of Ire, where later a canon shot her out to the Rocky Mountains. She has the powers and strengths of a samurai, with the ability to grow blinding amounts of body hair at frightening speed and to defecate giant, glorious kakas, or phantom poops, to her fellow companions' awe. Surprisingly enough, she also emanates feminine delicacy, in between farts and shits, as she strikes the scorpion pose now and then, using her majestic giraffe tail as her only support, curled beautifully beneath her lovely bum. Hailing from the distant land of Ire, this king-queen is pearl white and represents the element of water; flexible and cool, metaphorically and literally. She is the breath of fresh air, the gust of new ideas, and the constant flow of energy which electrifies Queen Laura's voice, soothes Queen Asumi's clean womb, and interrupts Queen Sarah's prayer.

In the early mornings, she rises first of the four and restlessly hangs above her three queens from the fabled Nutella tree with her large giraffe tail, ready to pounce on any given opportunity to befriend strangers, especially little boys. She then wakes her fellow royals with the sacred gong and then, from the branches, she provides hard boiled eggs to her queens—her culinary specialty.

Sir Emily-Kali swings from side to side, nibbling on unknown fruits and interrogating her three Queens about the nature of existence and unrequited love, and continuously invents challenges for her companions to strengthen their royal bonds and personal weaknesses. Like Goddess Kali, she fears no one and nothing, and she terrorizes baby orphans. With her tail rising up behind her and her slimy tongue lengthening down her chin, she bulges her eyes and instills horror and energy in all.

Although her terrorizing skills are quite sharp, Sir Emily-Kali's love and dedication to her royal sisters is her most remarkable trait. Sincere in her judgment and wise in her advice, she is the clear voice of objection and rational.

The Three queens are deeply indebted to Sir Emily-Kali, not only for the giant, glorious kakas and hard boiled eggs, but also as the only breadwinner of the royal family. With her brilliant business plans and conspicuous trading schemes with distant kingdoms, she provides for her fellow queens all the nutrition, wealth and frivolities their bratty heart’s desire--except for nutella which she finds to be a completely idiotic investment.

We thank the Almighty for blessing us with such a peculiar and delightful treasure, and pray to safe guard her from evil as she embarks on a new journey back to the land of Ire, in search of her origins—and to try to figure out how she ended up with her golden giraffe tail.

CHAPTER 2. Introducing Laura, Siren Goddess of Music

There was a point in time where the powers of the earth and sky, governed by the ancient laws created so carefully by the loving Allah, began brewing a great volcano that would darken the sky across the globe and throw the creatures of the world into a pit of darkness and cold from which many would never arise. It was a great test of faith for the small tribe of early proto-humans who some scientists might label Homo erectus, who were still finding their way to humanity. When they saw the peril of their beloved people, especially those living by their native Indus river, the Hindu gods, who some know to be simply other faces and personalities of Allah, cried out in dismay, and began to plead with the earth to save the proto-humans whose faces were so beautiful and familiar to them. Such was their emotion, and so beautiful were their divine voices, that they created an entirely new harmony, previously unknown to the universe, and from this glorious sound was born a new goddess, perfect in form and voice.

Laura, the Siren of salvation, born with nothing but long waves of shining raven cascading down her perfect brown body, but whom later could be found in a silk black gown richly adorned in gold and peacock feathers, led her people to safety with her golden voice, for when they heard it they were unable to follow. After she saved her native people, she left them, heartbroken but safe, in order to travel to the other side of the world and share her gift of music with the uncivilized heathens there. As she grew, her powers also grew, to the point where only the strongest, most noble and gifted musicians could possibly survive the sound of her voice, so powerful was it. To save the rest of humanity, the Siren enlisted the help of her three powerful friends to take build for her a refuge where she might continue to grow her gift for the good of humanity, without the dangers of unwanted visitors or unready listeners.
Laura, the Siren of salvation, born with nothing but long waves of shining raven cascading down her perfect brown body, but whom later could be found in a silk black gown richly adorned in gold and peacock feathers, led her people to safety with her golden voice, for when they heard it they were unable to follow. After she saved her native people, she left them, heartbroken but safe, in order to travel to the other side of the world and share her gift of music with the uncivilized heathens there. As she grew, her powers also grew, to the point where only the strongest, most noble and gifted musicians could possibly survive the sound of her voice, so powerful was it. To save the rest of humanity, the Siren enlisted the help of her three powerful friends to take build for her a refuge where she might continue to grow her gift for the good of humanity, without the dangers of unwanted visitors or unready listeners. Laura, the Siren of salvation, born with nothing but long waves of shining raven cascading down her perfect brown body, but whom later could be found in a silk black gown richly adorned in gold and peacock feathers, led her people to safety with her golden voice, for when they heard it they were unable to follow. After she saved her native people, she left them, heartbroken but safe, in order to travel to the other side of the world and share her gift of music with the uncivilized heathens there. As she grew, her powers also grew, to the point where only the strongest, most noble and gifted musicians could possibly survive the sound of her voice, so powerful was it. To save the rest of humanity, the Siren enlisted the help of her three powerful friends to take build for her a refuge where she might continue to grow her gift for the good of humanity, without the dangers of unwanted visitors or unready listeners.


Sarah, goddess of travel and luck, found a beautiful island that was a sanctuary for many wild beasts, such as the illusive tiger and noble elephant, where she believed Laura might find peace with those kindred spirits. But there was a terrifying demon living there, who had grown rich from stealing gold coins bearing Emily, Half-Warrior-Woman's face on them from starving artists just trying to scrape a living in that wild place known as New York City, whom the goddesses had to defeat. 

Sarah, goddess of travel and luck, found a beautiful island that was a sanctuary for many wild beasts, such as the illusive tiger and noble elephant, where she believed Laura might find peace with those kindred spirits. But there was a terrifying demon living there, who had grown rich from stealing gold coins bearing Emily, Half-Warrior-Woman's face on them from starving artists just trying to scrape a living in that wild place known as New York City, whom the goddesses had to defeat. Sarah, goddess of travel and luck, found a beautiful island that was a sanctuary for many wild beasts, such as the illusive tiger and noble elephant, where she believed Laura might find peace with those kindred spirits. But there was a terrifying demon living there, who had grown rich from stealing gold coins bearing Emily, Half-Warrior-Woman's face on them from starving artists just trying to scrape a living in that wild place known as New York City, whom the goddesses had to defeat. 




Laura then transfixed the demon with a soaring high note that gave him a moment of pleasure and painlessness of which he was truly undeserving, but which anesthetized him for his moment of death, as struck by the mighty Emily, in a movement so strong and graceful that the scorpions on the ground arched their backs in delight. This caused Sarah to jump and curse magnificently in 37 languages, but luckily Asumi was able to gently shoo them away.








First, Asumi, with her amazing aquatic abilities, swam to the island with the other three perched safe and dry on her back, so as to preserve their strength. After attempting to negotiate an agreement in Demonspeak, Sarah lost her patience with the greedy devil and informed him that his days of hoarding riches from the poor were over. 

On that precious isle, the four goddesses with the help of the animals there and some other demi-gods and goddesses, built a magnificent tower for Laura, full of every instrument known to man, and an infinite library of music. The four then set up a series of tests and traps so that only the most magnificently talented, noble-hearted, wonderful musicians might ever reach the tower so that they could commune with the Siren-- but also that those who were worthy would always hear the call to come. There she spends her days, singing and composing the world's most beautiful music, and deploying it as needed to cure the various ailments of the world.

CHAPTER 1. Introducing: Asumi, Queen of Shiva

One sunny, blue-skied day, Asumi Queen of Shiva was born directly from a wave. Like a seashell washed ashore, her sweet Japanese eyes and Chinese fan emerged from the crest of a wave as only a Goddess of Good Taste could. And the world was blessed, because from Asumi's limitless and slime-free womb develops infinite love, compassion, and chuckles. Yes, her very womb chuckles.
Asumi Queen of Shiva lives in a chalet full of fountains. It is built into a mountain covered in trees so that no one knows exactly how many rooms, halls, and kitchens exis. The house constantly grows with trees and re-organizes with rockfalls and earthquakes. Every day at the lunch hour, all inhabitants pour into the largest kitchen. This kitchen sits on the very top of the mountain peak. The ceiling is a series of sky-lights, opening to allow the fresh breeze (Asumi Queen of Shiva is a hot-blooded Goddess. It is not rare to taste a bit of her rose-scented sweat in one of her delicious pumpkin pies.) This daily lunch of togetherness is a requirement for residency in the chalet.
Asumi Queen of Shiva's chalet/ mountain is mostly populated with young people. Her chalet is a peaceful place for all beings lost in the world. She loves taking them on treks down the beach, where they snack on sandwiches and clementines. Asumi Queen of Shiva finances her chalet by hosting lavish parties every Saturday night. All attendees are dance and shimmy beneath the fountains that adorn her great dance hall. Sometimes the mountain experiences little earthquakes during these parties, due to the laughter and stomping of fabulous shoes. Guests "pay" for these parties by offering to clean the chalet, cook food for her children, or give her golden coins adorned with the image of Emily Half-Woman Warrior.
Asumi's peculiar title (Queen of Shiva) is attributed to her magnificent beauty and ability to lovingly woo any human, God, or animal that passes her by. You see, Shiva and all other Hindu Gods believe themselves singular. Yet, the divine power of Skati is recognized in Hinduism as the female incentivization for all Godly activity. Without a Goddess to invoke Shakti, Gods are incapable of action. Despite her charm and beauty, Asumi Queen of Shiva is a Goddess FULL of Shakti.
Yet, Asumi Queen of Shiva is a love goddess after all. And she loves Captain Morgan Pepper. He lives with her in the mountain chalet and together they create magnificent adventures. Being the Goddess of Good Taste, Asumi Queen of Shiva chose Morgan Pepper because of his stunning good looks, classy demeanor, and intelligence. These things are obvious. But, Asumi Queen of Shiva must also evoke Captain Morgan Pepper's protection. Small devils haunt Asumi Queen of Shiva. In foreign lands, these small devils are often called mosquitoes. Despite her use of water and dance to hide from the small devils, the only real weapon Asumi Queen of Shiva has against them is the Scuba Mask of Pepper. Captain Morgan Pepper was gifted this magic Scuba Mask by his Great Grandfather, Pepe Pepper. When Captain Morgan Pepper puts the mask on, he has the power to vanquish all small devils from Asumi Queen of Shiva's path. Without the Captain's miraculous heritage, Asumi Queen of Shiva would become mad with devilish annoyance.
Asumi Queen of Shiva is loved by Laura Queen of Sirens, Sarah the Magical Fairy, and Emily Half-Woman Warrior.

The Four Paths and The Three and a Half Queens

"One day, in a forest in Morocco, four paths converged at a single point. In the center of the point sat the fabled Nutella tree, dripping free hazelnut spread to all passerby. On this coincidental day, four young women walked down each path separately. They were:

Asumi, the Chinese fan doll with the capability to dance and swim herself to the aid of any of her loyal compatriots;

Laura, the Queen of the Sirens, whose beautiful voice had the power to stir wombats from the trees and men from their wives;

Sarah, the Magical Fairy of Languages and Gifts with the ability to speak any language in the world and consistently found luck wherever she stepped;

and Emily, the Warrior, Fire-Breather, and Party Monger, who incites energy, love, and activity when not warring ferociously.

These four brave women stumbled upon the tree at the exact same time, on the exact same time, because the Great God Allah willed them to. They stood in a circle around the tree, staring at one another, wondering about each other's odd clothing. Suddenly, they noticed the smell of mallagai-puu (jasmine) wafting from above. They looked up and saw Allah, in the form of the Goddess of Odd, Krishna-Julie, descending toward them. She was sitting like Buddha and floating downward, draped in saris but very much Caucasian.

She said to the travelers, 'I have called you four women to this Tree of Free Nutella Goodness because you are meant to know each other. You are meant to live your lives aware of each others loves, hates, and endeavors. You will be forever indebted and giving to one another. Despite arguments or times of solitude, you will always love each other. And I will always be weird."

The girls knew that they could not deny the sage and divine truth of Allah Krishna-Julie. So, they took one another's hands, put their faces under the streaming lines of hazelnut goodness, and drank all the Tree had to offer."